Flustered and flushed, Carol sat in the witness chair. The beautiful but empty-headed blonde had got herself named co-respondent in a divorce case and was presently being questioned in court.
`So, Miss Carol,' the lawyer intoned, `you admit that you went to a hotel with this man?'
`Yes, I do, but I couldn't help it.'
`Couldn't help it? Why not?'
`He deceived me.'
`And how did he do that?'
`Well,' Carol said earnestly, `he told the clerk at the reception desk that I was his wife.'
•••••••••••
The nurse motioned to one of the expectant fathers and announced, `You have a son.' Another man dropped his cigarette, jumped up and cried, `Say, what's the idea? I was here before he was.'
••••••••
The pastor in a certain village heard that a young man was behaving scandalously, so he went to speak to him. `I've been told that you are raising false hopes in the hearts of many young girls,' the pastor said. `You've promised marriage to one girl here, another in the next village and God knows how many more. How can you do something like that?'
`Well, pastor,' replied the suitor,' I have a bicycle!'
••••••••
When a rumour got round that a certain farmer was underpaying his labour, an official came to check up.
`How many people do you employ?' he inquired.
`Two men,' said the farmer.
`I understand that you are paying them below the minimum wage,' the official said.
`Is that so,' snorted the farmer. He called the men.
`Now,' he said, `tell this fellow what your wages are.'
`Forty dollars a week,' each of them answered.
`Well, that's all right,' the official said. He turned to the farmer, `Are you sure you don't employ anyone else?'
`Only a half-wit,' the farmer said. `He gets his board and a little cash each week for his tobacco.'
`That's disgraceful,' the official said. `Let me talk to him!'
`Talk to him!' the farmer said.' `You're talking to him now.'
A young soldier who was on a twenty-four-hour pass went to a dance in town and there met an attractive cutie. As they danced, he romanced her. Finally, he gasped, `Look sweetheart, I really go for you in a big way. But I don't have much time. I have to be back in the morning. I'd sure like to speed things up between us.'
She stared wide-eyed at him and said, `I am dancing as fast as I can.'
A khaddar-clad minister visits a car factory. The manager goes out of the way to show him around and at the end of the tour, offers the minister a free car.
`Oh, no,' says the minister, `I cannot accept it.'
`In that case I'll sell it to you for five hundred rupees.' The minister hands the manager two five-hundred rupee notes. `In that case, I'll have two.'
•••••••••••
While driving his nine-year old to elementary school, Dad asked him which high school he'd like to attend. He reminded Dad he was only in the fourth standard. Dad then asked what college he planned to attend. Getting annoyed, he said he didn't know. A minute later he said he wanted to pose a question to Dad. `Fine', Dad replied.
`Dad,' he asked, `what cemetery would you like to be buried in?'
•••••••••••
Mom and Dad had just finished tucking the four young ones into bed one evening when they heard sounds of sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric's room. Rushing to his side, they found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of reassurances to the contrary could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, Dad secretly put a penny that he happened to have in his pocket into his hand and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear. Eric was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from Dad's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, `Do it again, Dad!'
•••••••••••
A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery that read: `Here lies an honest man and politician.'
`Shame,' he said, `two people in the same grave.'
•••••••••••
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same colour as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman. Eventually, a painter, who is confident he can mix the proper colour, approaches. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son. `Dad,' says the son, `there is something I have got to know. How did you get those walls to match that vase so perfectly?'
`Son,' the father replies, `I painted the vase.'
`Though there are two dozen houses of ill fame in our town,' said the candidate for mayor to his attentive audience at the political rally, `I have never gone to one of them.'
From the back of the crowd a heckler called out, `Which one?'
•••••••
`Oh we're happy,' insisted the husband.
`Of course, once in a while my wife throws things at me. But that doesn't change the situation one bit, because if she hits me, she's happy. And if she misses, I'm happy.'
•••••••
We know an insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are with young housewives who aren't adequately covered.
