Humour

The small boy asks, ‘Daddy, are you still growing?’
‘No, son, what makes you think so?’
‘Because the top of your head is coming through your hair.’

••••••••••

Two friends meet in the street one day. ‘Well,’ said one, ‘So you’re married at last. My congratulations. I heard you
have an excellent and accomplished wife.’
‘ I do, indeed,’ was the reply. ‘Why she’s perfectly at home in science, in arts, in commerce, in short, she’s
at home everywhere, except…’
‘Except what?’ questioned his friend.
‘Except at home,’ was the reply.

The excited couple had the county clerk hurriedly fill in the marriage licence, and they then dashed over to the Justice of the Peace.

`I'm sorry,' said the Justice, when he looked at the licence, `but it doesn't have the girl's name on it.'

`Can't you put it in?' asked the girl.

`No indeed,' said the Justice, `you'll have to take it back to the county clerk.'

So they hurried back to the clerk and when they returned to the Justice, he looked at the licence again and said, `There's no date on it.'

`But can't you . . .'

`Nope.'

So back to the clerk they went. Once more they appeared before the Justice and this time he said, `It doesn't have the county seal on it. And don't ask me to put the seal on. That's not my job. Take it back to the clerk.'

Thoroughly disgusted, the couple went back to the county clerk; and at last returned to the Justice. `Well, that's better,' said the Justice as he approved the licence. He then noticed the three-year-old boy with the couple.

`Whose boy is that?' he asked.

`Ours,' answered the girl.

`Yours? That means you had the child before you…'

`Yes, before we were married.'

`Well, I suppose that's not my affair,' said the Justice, `but I hope you realize that this boy is a technical bastard.'

`Isn't that strange,' retorted the young father, `That's exactly what the county clerk said you were!'

••••••••••

A boy asked his father, `Dad, how much does it cost to get married?'

`I don't know,' replied his father, `I am still paying.'

Little Ernie is doing his homework one evening and has a problem.

`Dad,' he says, `What is the difference between "anger" and "exasperation"?'

`Well, son,' says his father, `I will give you a practical demonstration.'

His father then goes to the phone and dials a random number.

`Hello,' comes a voice at the other end.

`Hello,' says Ernie's father. `Is Melvin there?'

`There is no one called Melvin here!' comes the reply. `Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?'

`You see?' says Ernie's father. `That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!'

He then dials the same number again, and says, `Hello, is Melvin there?'

`Now look here!' comes the angry reply. `I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!' And then he slams down the receiver.

`Did you hear that?' asks Ernie's father. `That was "anger". Now, I will show you what "exasperation" is!'

He picks up the phone and dials the same number again, and when a violent voice shouts, `Hello!' Ernie's father says, `Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?'

`The thrill is gone from my marriage,' Alan told his friend Don.

`Why not add some intrigue to your life…like have an affair?' Don suggested.

`But what if my wife finds out?'

`Heck, this is the twenty-first century, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it!'

So Alan went home and said, `Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'

`Forget it,' his wife replied unperturbed, I've tried but it never worked.'

How's the new patient feeling?' the doctor asked the nurse.

`Oh, he's much better,' she replied. `He started talking this morning.'

`What did he say?'

`He said he was feeling much worse.'