Humour
Every time Paul tried to start the car, his driving instructor found something to criticize. But this time, every gesture would be carefully thought out, perfect. He adjusted the seat and mirrors, buckled up, coordinated the clutch, handbrake and gears, gave the accelerator a little push – and nothing happened. Silence.
The instructor coughed. ‘What about starting the engine?’ he suggested politely.
•••••••••
As Peter entered the police station the other evening to pay a parking fine, he noticed that an old lady just ahead of him was trembling all over. He paid his money and was about to leave when he saw the lady sitting on a bench in the corner absorbed in a book. ‘What’s the trouble,” he asked. ‘Is there anything I can do?”
‘No, thank you,’ she replied sedately. ‘You see, I was sitting at home all alone reading this murder story, and I got so scared that I came down here to finish it under police protection.’
Glancing from her window one morning, Mrs. Kulick was shocked to see her maid kissing the milkman. Highly incensed at such goings on, Mrs. Kulick was determined to reprimand her servant.
Nadine was called into the parlour that night, before the family retired. Mrs. Kulick frowned at the girl.
‘Nadine,’ she said sternly, ‘this morning I saw you kissing the milkman. After this, I shall bring in the milk.’
‘Tain’t no use, Ma’am,’ answered Nadine, ‘he promised me he’d never kiss anyone but me.’
Desperate for work, a man went to the owner of a local circus and asked if there were any openings. The owner told him that he needed a high-wire act, but that the job required walking without a net over the lion’s pit while wearing a monkey suit. In no position to quibble, the man took the job, put on the suit, and climbed to the high wire amid the stunned gasps of the crowd. Stepping gingerly on the thin cord, he began to shuffle his way across, but quickly lost his footing and tumbled into the lion’s cage. ‘Help!’ the man screamed as the lion pounced on him. ‘This beast is going to eat me!’
‘Shut up,’ the lion said angrily. ‘You want to get us all fired?’
•••••••••
A Russian lecturer was telling Czech students in Prague about the Soviet’s wonderful scientific advances. ‘Already,’ he said, ‘we have launched two satellites. In no time at all we will be able to go to the moon. In a matter of a few years we will be able to go to Mars, and then to Venus. And later on to all planets. Isn’t this a wonderful thing?
All the students nodded.
‘Are there any questions?’
A student raised his hand. ‘Sir,’ he asked, ‘when can we go to Vienna?’
When a certain couple went to bed after watching Kaun Banega Crorepati on television, the husband was in an amorous mood. He asked his wife if she wanted to do something about it.
‘No,’ he said.‘Sure?’ he persisted. She nodded in reply.‘Is that your final answer?’ he asked.‘Yes, ‘she said.‘Well then,’ the husband said, ‘I think I would like to call a friend.
At a dinner party the hostess, whose kittenish ways were most annoying, produced a family album. ‘This,’ she said coyly, holding up a mother-and-child picture, ‘is myself twenty-eight years ago.’
A guest examined the photograph, then asked slyly: ‘Who is the baby in your lap?’
Divorce lawyer: I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that’s completely fair to both of you.
Client: Fair to both of us! I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?
•••••••••
A woman visited the bank to close her account because she was convinced the institution was going under. Asked by a startled manager why she thought so, she produced one of her cheques endorsed by the bank with the legend ‘insufficient funds’.
•••••••••
*Mr.Rajan Kashyap, formerly Chief Secretary, Government of Punjab, is Adviser, Mahatma Gandhi State Institute of Administration, Punjab.
Hard work spotlights the character of people: Some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.
A married man makes a very good salesman.
‘How?’
‘Because he is used to taking orders.’
Cajoling wife to her husband: ‘Darling, will you lend me two hundred rupees and only give me a hundred out of them? Then you’ll owe me hundred and I’ll owe you hundred and we’ll be straight.’
